How to Stay Calm When You’re Furious
The neuroscience of anger and how to get your calm back fast
WRITTEN BY: Simon Bostock, clear talking therapy
When you’re angry, it can feel instant. One second you’re holding it together, the next, you’re flooded, shaking, saying things you’ll regret.
That’s not because you’re “bad-tempered.” It’s because your ancient survival system just hijacked your body.
🧠 The Biology of Blowing Up
Anger is part of your fight-or-flight response, a system designed to save your life when danger appears.
When that system fires:
Adrenaline and cortisol flood your bloodstream.
Heart rate and blood pressure shoot up.
Blood gets redirected to your big muscles, ready to fight or run.
Your rational brain, the one that makes good decisions temporarily goes offline.
In other words: angry you is not wise you.
Back when threats were lions and rival tribes, this made perfect sense.
Today, it usually just wrecks relationships, raises blood pressure, and leaves a trail of “I didn’t mean it.”
💣 The Myth That Keeps People Stuck
You’ve probably heard: “It’s better to let it all out.”
It’s not.
Whatever you rehearse, your brain gets better at.
If you keep exploding, shouting, venting you’re training your brain to reach for anger faster next time.
You’re lowering your threshold, making small irritations feel huge.
Letting it out might feel relieving in the moment, but it’s like scratching a mosquito bite you just make the itch worse.
The real skill isn’t “never feeling angry.” It’s not letting anger run the show.
🧩 Why Your Fuse Feels Shorter Lately
There are reasons your threshold drops.
Anger flares more easily when you’re:
Tired or hungry
Stressed, in pain, or ill
Burnt out or overwhelmed
Feeling ignored, powerless, or disrespected
Missing key emotional needs (like control, connection, or belonging)
When those needs aren’t met, your nervous system stays on alert and everything starts to feel like a threat.
This is where Human Givens psychology helps.
When your basic needs safety, control, attention, connection, meaning are met, your emotions naturally settle.
Anger doesn’t need to shout to be heard.
🛠 The 90-Second Reset
A single wave of anger chemicals lasts about 90 seconds if you don’t keep feeding it with angry thoughts.
Here’s what to do in that window:
1️⃣ Notice the alarm.
Feel the jaw tighten? Heart racing? That’s your signal.
2️⃣ Don’t feed it.
No arguing, no “and another thing” messages. Hit pause.
3️⃣ Reset the body.
Breathe in gently through your nose, quick top-up sniff, slow exhale through your mouth.
Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw.
Feel both feet grounded.
4️⃣ Check your story.
Ask: “What am I telling myself right now? Is that 100% true?”
Try adding: “Or could something else be going on?”
5️⃣ Choose your next move on purpose.
Calm doesn’t mean weak it means strategic.
Do that consistently and you start teaching your brain:
“I can feel anger without losing control.”
💬 When It’s About More Than Anger
Sometimes anger hides behind other emotions hurt, fear, shame, exhaustion.
If you’ve been running hot for a long time, it might be time to rebuild, not just react less.
That means:
Better sleep and rest.
Real food, not sugar and caffeine spikes.
Some form of movement every day (yes, even a walk).
Talking — not venting, but processing.
Reconnecting with purpose and people.
You can’t white-knuckle your way to calm. You rebuild it.
🌿 Calm Is Strength
Here’s the truth: anyone can shout.
It takes real strength to pause.
Each time you manage that even once you’re rewiring your nervous system.
You’re proving to yourself that you can feel, breathe, and choose.
And that’s how anger stops running your life not by erasing it, but by putting it back where it belongs: under your control.
If anger’s been costing you sleep, peace, or connection you don’t have to face it alone.
At Clear Talking Therapy, we use neuroscience-informed, Human Givens–based tools to help you calm faster, think clearer, and rebuild control.
👉 Book a free clarity call at cleartalking.co.uk
📧 simon@cleartalking.co.uk
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
No B.S. no fluff, Fast therapy for founders and leaders under pressure, helping you stop white-knuckling success before it costs you more. I’m a counsellor, coach and therapist, with 25+ years experience in the private and business sectors, working with my clients to understand why they are reacting in a certain way, and enabling them to restore balance and fulfillment to their lives. Together, we make life-changing improvements that calm anxiety and bust stress levels through simple life hacks that make dramatic differences. We turn your challenges into stepping stones, your stress into success, and change the conversations in your head that are holding you back.
